Part II: Closet Commitment Dodgers
In Part I of this Three Part Series, I dealt with Classic Commitment Dodgers, or the overt ones, who wear their fears on their sleeves for everyone to see. They’re easier to spot than the Closet Commitment Dodgers, whose fears are often well-hidden. In Part II of this series, I will help you identify whether you’re dealing with one of these kinds of commitment-phobics, or perhaps, you might be surprised to learn that you’re a Closet Commitment Dodger yourself.
Closet Commitment Dodgers
(How to Recognize One)
- Closet Commitment Dodgers continually “fall for” people who just can’t seem to commit, or who are already involved in a committed relationship. This is a mind game they’re playing with themselves. They make themselves appear to be the victim of Classic Commitment Dodgers, rather than face the fact that they have their own commitment issues. By continually falling for unavailable partners, they don’t have to confront their own commitment issues.
- Closet Commitment Dodgers spend all their time obsessing about why their partners are doing what they’re doing, rather than concentrating on why they would choose to stay in such a nerve-wracking relationship in the first place. (Once again, they’re distracting from and avoiding their own commitment issues.)
- Since Closet Commitment Dodgers continually get involved with people who make it clear from the beginning that they don’t want a committed relationship (Classic Commitment Dodgers), they spend all their time complaining and whining to everyone about the situation. This way, they can feel as if they’re in a relationship, but it doesn’t force them to confront their own commitment issues because they know full well the relationship is never going anyplace anyway. If, however, their Classic Commitment Dodging mates should have a change of heart and want to commit to them, these Closet Commitment Dodgers suddenly lose all interest in the relationship.
- Closet Commitment Dodgers always seem to be involved in relationships in which they care more about their partners than their partners care about them, or they pick partners who care much more about them than they could ever care about their partners.
- When Closet Commitment Dodgers meet someone who is ready to be involved in a committed relationship, they find a million reasons why that person is not right for them. Or when they do find someone they care about, they start playing the game of “Blemish.” They begin to see everything that’s wrong with the other person, and rationalize why this relationship won’t work.
- After a relationship ends, Closet Commitment Dodgers avoid getting involved with anyone else for an unreasonably long time because they’re still pining for the one who got away.
- After a disastrous marriage or long-term relationship, or after the death of a beloved partner, some people become Closet Commitment Dodgers because they fear ever putting themselves in a position where they could get their hearts broken again. As a result, they’re subconsciously drawn to people who are Classic Commitment Dodgers, knowing that those kinds of people never want to bring the relationship to the next level.
- After Closet Commitment Dodgers have a really good first date, they make up a million reasons why they should never see that person again.
- Closet Commitment Dodgers stay in a no-win relationship because it keeps them from going out and finding another partner who would be willing to commit to them. This way they don’t have to face their own hidden fear of commitment.
- Closet Commitment Dodgers are continually drawn to “bad boy” or “bad girl” types such as drug addicts, gamblers, and alcoholics who care more about their addictions than about anyone or anything else. These relationships move around the dysfunctional Transactional Analysis triangle from rescuer to persecutor to victim, so that no real intimacy ever really has to take place.
- When Closet Commitment Dodgers are in good relationships, they do things to sabotage their relationships. For instance, very jealous Closet Commitment Dodgers might drive their mates away by constantly checking up on them, by constantly accusing them of things, and by acting out countless other insane behaviors. Although on the surface it would appear that these jealous mates desperately want the relationship, the giveaway is that nothing is done to try and control all their crazy jealous behaviors — no matter how many times their mates warn them that they will leave if it continues.
In other words, Closet Commitment Dodgers do the same thing Classic Commitment Dodgers do — they engage in over-the-top behaviors in an unconscious effort to drive their mates away.
If you continually find yourself being drawn to people who just can’t commit to you, examine your own heart. What part are you playing in this dead-end scenario? Could you be afraid of commitment? If you don’t deal with your own commitment issues, then you will find yourself continually in no-win relationship situations.
Is it possible for someone to be in a long-term relationships and still have commitment issues? Absolutely, and these kinds of commitment-phobics are called: Committed Commitment Dodgers, which I will be discussing in Part III of this series.
Cindi Sansone-Braff, The Romance Whisperer, talks to the dead to show you how to live well and love better. She is the author of Grant Me a Higher Love and Why Good People Can’t Leave Bad Relationships. Call-in or listen every Thursday night to her radio show, where you can get free psychic and relationship advice: www.blogtalkradio.com/higher-love. Be sure to visit her web site at: www.grantmeahigherlove.com.