Part III: Committed Commitment Dodgers
In Part I of this Three Part Series, I dealt with Classic Commitment Dodgers, or the overt ones, who wear their fears on their sleeves for everyone to see. They’re easier to spot than the Closet Commitment Dodgers, whose fears are often well-hidden, and I addressed this type of commitment-phobe in Part II of this series.
In the final installment of this series, you may be surprised to learn that a person can be in a long-term relationship and still be a Commitment Dodger, and these are the hardest of all commitment-phobes to spot.
Is it Possible to Be in a Committed Relationship and Still Fear Commitment?
Absolutely! A person can commit to coming home every day to you on a physical basis, yet remain unavailable to you on the emotional, psychological, and spiritual levels.
A person can be in a long-term, committed relationship, particularly with a person he or she doesn’t love or even like all that much, in order to avoid true intimacy. The boundaries these people construct might be invisible, but they’re impenetrable all the same.
These “Committed Commitment Dodgers” choose mates who’ll allow them to hold all the cards; therefore they can control everything, reveal only what they wish to, and never truly let anyone in.
Committed Commitment Dodgers may never leave a bad relationship, but they sure as hell will run away from a good one. Or they’ll play it safe by carrying on a long-term affair with someone they truly love, knowing they’ll never have to commit to that illicit relationship as long as they stay safely nestled in their lousy marriage. When pressed about the issue, they’ll give all kinds of reasons why they can’t get a divorce. The bottom line is this: to leave the bad marriage and embrace the good relationship would mean facing head-on the frightening fear of commitment.
People who are in long-term relationships, but still have commitment issues, will reveal themselves in other aspects of their lives. For example, they never seem to hold on to a job, and oftentimes they can’t even commit to a career. One week they’re a bartender, the next week they’re going back to school to be a teacher. When they finally get their teaching degree they never teach, but go back to school to become a dental assistant, and so on and so forth. They may also have a hard time making decisions, buying things, choosing where to live or where to go on a vacation, or even what to eat for dinner.
Commitment issues are boundary issues. If we’ve been raised by people who have raped our boundaries, which are our private spaces, we come to fear that intimacy means an invasion of self.
By now you’re coming to understand that commitment issues can be overt, right out there for everyone to see; or covert, hidden, and not so easy to detect.
Signs that You’re Dealing with Your Own Set of Commitment Fears
1. Your relationships never last long, no matter how much love is involved.
2. You constantly play the “Blemish” game, and no one can meet your ego’s ideal of the so-called perfect mate.
3. You’ve chosen a profession that calls for frequent travel or moves. Since you never really stay rooted in one place for long, you never have to commit to anything or anyone on a permanent basis.
4. You had your heart broken once, and now you’re paralyzed by fear at the mere thought of ever loving that much again. So, you avoid becoming involved with anyone you’re really drawn to.
5. You never go to places where you could actually meet a potential mate.
6. When asked why you’re not looking for a relationship, you list a million things you’ve got to do first, such as lose weight, get a better job so you’ll be more lovable, or fix up your place before you can have anybody over. All this would be well and good, except that you never get around to doing any of those things, either.
7. You ignore or refuse to see the kind and loving signals a potential partner is throwing your way.
8. You make yourself unattractive (voluntary ugliness) so that no one will be attracted to you. (Nonstop weight gain, dressing in a slovenly way, etc.)
A fear of commitment is really a fear of true intimacy. When we’re truly intimate with a person we must let down our guard. We must allow our true self to be revealed, and this makes us quake with fear.
Cindi Sansone-Braff, The Romance Whisperer, talks to the dead to show you how to live well and love better. She is the author of Grant Me a Higher Love and Why Good People Can’t Leave Bad Relationships. Call-in or listen every Thursday night to her radio show, where you can get free psychic and relationship advice: www.blogtalkradio.com/higher-love. Be sure to visit her web site at: www.grantmeahigherlove.com.