Part I: Classic Commitment Dodgers
Fear of commitment, or commitment-phobia, has spread like wildfire throughout the land of the free, nuking people’s hearts, dampening their spirits, and making them terrified to get out there and give love a chance.
Did you know that there are three different kinds of commitment-phobes? That’s right — not all commitment-phobics are created equal. Some are Classic Commitment Dodgers, others are Closet Commitment Dodgers, and still others are Committed Commitment Dodgers.
The main giveaway that you’re dealing with someone with commitment issues is your own gut telling you that every time you appear to be getting closer to this person, he/she suddenly becomes unavailable and/or begins acting evasively and distant for no apparent reason; and another sure sign is the way that your mate seems to be giving you a lot of mixed messages, which run the gamut from hot, hot, hot and passionate to frigid cold and emotionless. For instance, one minute this person tells you that he/she loves you, and next minute he/she is running in the opposite direction.
In Part I of this Three Part Series, I will be discussing Classic Commitment Dodgers, or the overt ones, who wear their fears on their sleeves for everyone to see. They’re easier to spot than the Closet Commitment Dodgers, whose fears are often well-hidden.
Classic Commitment Dodgers
(How to Recognize One)
- Phone calls, text messages, and emails from their mates go unanswered or unreturned for no apparent reason.
- Plans with their mates are canceled or excuses are made at the last minute to renege on some prior commitment.
- Classic Commitment Dodgers are the masters of mixed messages. Their words say one thing, their actions another. For instance, they tell their mates they love them, and then break up with them.
- Classic Commitment Dodgers are known for “pulling a geographic,” in which they decide almost overnight to move far away, or take a job on the other side of the country, or enlist for military service without consulting their mates.
- The way they make love changes in that the intimacy that was once there is gone. They no longer make love in a tender, caring way and reduce the whole experience to just having sex. Or suddenly they say, “I just want to be friends,” and stop having sex all together in an attempt to cool off the relationship. Sometimes they only allow you to have “phone sex” with them in lieu of the real thing.
- “I love you” is said by them one moment, and then in a blink of an eye the Classic Commitment Dodger becomes either emotionally or physically absent.
- The usual gestures of love are missing. For example, if and when given, the birthday cards or Valentine’s cards Classic Commitment Dodgers choose are perfunctory in the words used, and gifts are impersonal at best. Sometimes they choose to forget or ignore important dates like birthdays and anniversaries altogether.
- Classic Commitment Dodgers make their mates continually feel as if they’re never sure if or when they’ll see each other again. If these bewildered mates should be so bold as to inquire when the two of them will get together again, the question is answered either defensively or evasively, or is totally ignored.
- More and more boundaries are set up to limit getting closer. For example, a rigid dating schedule is enforced in an effort to put the brakes on the relationship and control everything. Classic Commitment Dodgers erect these walls because they don’t want their mates to get to know them too well. They also put off meeting their mates’ close friends and family and won’t permit their mates to meet theirs.
- Suddenly Classic Commitment Dodgers claim to want to start seeing other people or profess that they’ve fallen in love with someone else almost overnight.
- Classic Commitment Dodgers are famous for cheating on their mates just when everything seems to be going great, and they make sure that they get caught. This way, they hope their mates will get fed up and walk away, letting them off the hook.
- Out of the blue they appear cold or unresponsive. When confronted with the sudden change of heart, they become hostile and belligerent. Classic Commitment Dodgers, who may otherwise be kind and compassionate human beings, can show extreme insensitivity and downright cruelty if they begin to feel “trapped.” A dead giveaway that we’re dealing with someone with an over-the-top fear of commitment is this unexplainable cruel behavior from an otherwise kind human being.
- Classic Commitment Dodgers act like cornered animals when their mates ask questions or expect an answer.
- When their frustrated, angry, and hurt partners finally get fed up and move on, Classic Commitment Dodgers resurface, wining and dining their partners in an all-out effort to win them back. They stay only long enough to play out a condensed version of the whole relationship in record time. Basically, this boils down to this scenario: You leave/I’m back/I win you back, and then — I’m out of here!
- Classic Commitment Dodgers keep their mates in a constant state of confusion, in which they never seem to know what will happen next.
- Classic Commitment Dodgers appear to be able to end meaningful relationships on a dime, often walking out when the relationship is really heating up, leaving the remaining partner in a state of emotional devastation, wondering what in the world went wrong.
- Some Classic Commitment Dodgers can never say, “I love you.” Others only say it right before they bolt out the door. Still others say, “I love you” and then list all the reasons why the relationship can’t work, won’t work, or shouldn’t work.
- Classic Commitment Dodgers often can’t even commit to spending a special occasion with their mates.
- Some Classic Commitment Dodgers leave when the relationship is still in its infancy, wanting to nip the whole damn thing right in the bud. For instance, after a great first date, they’ll never contact that person again.
- Sometimes Classic Commitment Dodgers stick around for a while, but still leave before the relationship affects too much of their heart, soul, and life. In other words, they run away before they get in too deep.
- Sometimes Classic Commitment Dodgers go to extremes of behavior, hoping their mates will get fed up and leave. For instance, they arrive three hours late for a date or forget about it altogether, or they start nagging their partners continually.
- Alcoholics, workaholics, and any kind of “-aholics” often have Classic Commitment issues. They use their addictions as weapons to keeps their partners at bay.
Because Classic Commitment Dodgers leave and never look back, they don’t see the emotional devastation they have wrought upon their mates. There appears to be no closure; many questions remain unanswered, and many important things remain unsaid. This is such a tragically painful parting that the heartbreak can last forever. After such a heart-wrenching love experience, the jilted partner can, and often does, become a Closet Commitment Dodger.
If you continually find yourself being drawn to people who just can’t commit to you, examine your own heart. What part are you playing in this dead-end scenario? Could you be afraid of commitment? Do you choose people who are afraid to commit to you, because in reality you’re afraid of commitment? If so, then you’re a Closet Commitment Dodger, and you most definitely need to stay tuned for Part II of this series.
Cindi Sansone-Braff, The Romance Whisperer, talks to the dead to show you how to live well and love better. She is the author of Grant Me a Higher Love and Why Good People Can’t Leave Bad Relationships. Call-in or listen every Thursday night to her radio show, where you can get free psychic and relationship advice: www.blogtalkradio.com/higher-love. Be sure to visit her web site at: www.grantmeahigherlove.com.