“Love means never having to say you’re sorry,” is an often quoted line from Eric Segal’s romance novel Love Story, which was released in 1970 on Valentine’s Day. Those memorable lines were repeated twice in the tearjerker-film-version of this novel, and despite the popularity of this quote, I respectfully, beg to differ – in real life, a heartfelt apology from your ex could make all the difference, if this is coupled with his sincere efforts to right the wrongs of the past.
First of all, this has to be a guy that you haven’t gotten over, no matter how hard you’ve tried, and now, he’s begging you for a do-over. Your friends and family are divided on the issue: Some say that he’s hurt you too badly in the past, and you should never even think about getting involved with that loser again. Others are still rooting for him, and telling you that the guy deserves a second chance. Oh, what’s a girl to do?
Listed below are 5 things you need to know and do before taking him back.
5 Things to Consider
1) Before even thinking about taking back your ex, you have to first see if he truly recognizes and acknowledges his wrongdoings. Did he just shoot off a drunken text, or did he write you a heartfelt, well-thought out email or love letter? How sincere does he seem in his desire to reunite with you again?
2) He must be truly remorseful for his past actions that resulted in the breakup, and he has to be willing to make amends to you, which might include: going to therapy or to a twelve-step program, taking responsibility for his past actions, and vowing to never do these things again. If he’s unwilling to do the necessary healing work, then don’t even consider going back with him, or you’ll soon find yourself back in the same sinking Titanic all over again.
3) You have to trust your gut reaction to what he’s saying and doing. Does it ring true or is he just trying to manipulate you again? Some people are just master manipulators, pretty much –natural born liars. If you know him to be this way in the past, there’s a very good chance, he’ll be the same way in the future. If you aren’t sure whether he’s manipulating you or not, ask yourself the following questions, and if the answer is yes to many or all of them, then you can feel confident that he hasn’t changed, so just move on: Is he pushing your guilt buttons to get you back? Is he blaming you for things that happened in the past, that you know aren’t your fault? Is he giving you a lot of mixed messages? Do you think that he’s still lying to you?
4) If you feel that he’s being truthful, then you need to read him the riot act stating that if he ever does these things again, whether it be cheating, drugging, gambling, not holding a job, whatever, that these actions will be a deal breaker for you. When you tell him this, you have to mean it and act upon things immediately, if you see he’s back to his old ways again.
5) Finally, if in your heart of hearts, you realize that this man can never change, then, yes, you can forgive him, but you don’t have to forgive his actions, and this kind of true forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation. What it does means is this: it’s time for you to move on, so that you can meet a man who is more suitable for you and your needs. As much as you might still want him or even love him, you know that you’ve fallen out of “liking” him, and there’s no turning back when that happens.
By the way, if you feel that you can never forgive this man for his past behaviors no matter what he does, then taking him back will never work. After a while, he will tire of bending backwards for you and will resent your inability to let go of the past and embrace the new life he’s trying to build with you. So, if you’re a grudge holder and know that you can’t ever get past what he did – then don’t even consider getting back with him. Save yourself and him, a whole lot of needless drama and trauma.
Cindi Sansone-Braff, The Romance Whisperer, talks to the dead to show you how to live well and love better. She is an award-winning playwright and has a BFA in theatre from the University of Connecticut. She is the author of Grant Me a Higher Love and Why Good People Can’t Leave Bad Relationships. Free excerpts of these books are available on Amazon. WholeJoy.com in association with Amazon has cited Grant Me a Higher Love as one of the greatest texts on the law of love. Cindi is a featured Dating Expert on one of the largest dating sites in the UK: Older-Dating.Co.UK. She has been featured as a Relationship Expert in: the Huffington Post, MSN.com, YourTango, Bustle.Com, the Inquisitir News, Brides, About.com Dating, and the Deseret News. She is a Star Patcher for East Hampton Patch and a Featured Member of Blogher. Call-in or listen every Thursday night, 7:00 pm EST, to her radio show, where you can get free psychic and relationship advice: www.blogtalkradio.com/higher-love. Be sure to check out her web site at: www.grantmeahigherlove.com. She was named Best Psychic five years in a row by the Long Island Press, recommended by Newsday as one of the best psychic/mediums on Long Island, featured in the Daily News and Cablevision’s Neighborhood Journal. Visit her Facebook Page: Why Good People Can’t Leave Bad Relationship, which has 27,000 followers.